As I write this I’m reminiscing about my homemade baked goods yesterday as I adjust the cheap tablecloth my laptop is sitting on. Right up until our first guest arrived I was baking my first attempt at a 2-layer cake which was a major highlight for me. Although the steps were simple it was the follow-through I was proud of, I have a tendency to get excited when making the fire but sustaining the flames proves difficult.
But there’s something about this place, my new home, that’s proving to be different altogether. And I think I’ve figured out why.
Yesterday I threw a 90s theme 30th with long-time friends at the brand new townhome I moved to at the beginning of the month. Add to that the confidence-boosting haircut I got the day before I moved, you could say I was vibing high.
My home and heart were filled with good vibes the day of the party. From the moment I woke up to the end of the day the energy was funny and loving. My friends got the most intentional and heartfelt gifts I could have received, right down to the wording in each card. At the end of the night, as Ivan and I were cleaning up all the food and saying our goodbyes, I paused to express gratitude for all that I’ve been blessed to receive. That’s when I realized something.
As everyone packed up food and headed to their cars, I realized the party wasn’t the only thing that had ended that night. The anticipation I’ve held for over a year in my heart has officially stopped because I got everything I asked for.
It’s the Sunday before my 30th birthday. As I slowly sip on my orange carrot juice, taking deep breaths of the cool breeze on the balcony, I allow myself to bask in the moments that are my life. Some things are perfect, other things aren’t the best, nonetheless I’m gleaming with gratitude and excitement for this current chapter.
With that said, I have nothing figured out and I think that’s an important piece to share. Lots of times people are grateful what what they already have, or what they know is coming. There is a giant question mark over one of the most important areas of my life, career, where a plan once lived but disintegrated once its false foundation was realized.
It’s all about how you perceive a situation that makes it catostrphic or right on track. If I focus on the plan I’m letting go of, life feels like a failure. So when my thoughts and beliefs are locked into what I wanted to happen, which is also what didn’t happen, I’ll never move forward. However, if I focus on what I’m receiving as a result of letting go of that plan, life feels like a blessing and I’m trusting in whatever lies ahead to be great for me.
I’m choosing blessings, over and over every day.
I know how easy it can be to let doubt creep in, urging the question of where I “should be” by “this particular time and this particular place in space.” I’ll admit it has stolen my attention quite a few times over the winter months. But as time goes on and I turn inward, I rediscover the truth which is I am always exactly where I need to be, even if it’s uncomfortable and unknown most of the time. Sure it’s not what I had planned or sometimes even wanted, but there are divine plans placed upon me that have proven time and time again it will always work out.
My intention for the year is to welcome my 30s with the theme of unbecoming anyone or anything I have space in my identity that isn’t aligned with my highest self. There’s SO MUCH to release and this season may last years because of all the facades accumulated in the past, ones I was once so proud of constructing now only remind me of how scared I was to be myself. As time ticks on the most important matters are always revealed and the act of stifling authenticity will begin to weigh heavy on the heart and soul. I’m continuously dropping dead weight.
I let go so I can leap.
The month of April holds incredibly palpable energy that pumps through me each year. It’s fierce, unfolding, full of wonder, and oftentimes chaos. Maybe it’s because of my birthday or maybe it’s because this is the true new year, springtime. This year is no different the air is brimming with potential, I have to work intentionally to slow myself down to see there’s more than just how I’m feeling right now. With the exception of some minor details in appearance and environment, this feeling is a familiar one I’ve been known to take great leaps from.
Okay so maybe the actual detail changes in my life aren’t minor at all, like getting a bomb-ass haircut and moving into a home with the kitchen of my dreams thanks to the love of my life. These all mean a great deal to me, so understand when I say minor I don’t mean to insult or diminish anything. These are all moments and experiences I’ve slowly cultivated through visualization, patience, and deliberate action.
Its details themselves, the microscopic vision of our lives, that must remain minor. If details are paid too close attention, they could cause you to forget the bigger picture unfolding. An example of details being minor is when you receive what you asked for but it didn’t show up the way you wanted it to. You can choose to either focus on how nothing went according to your plan or you can choose to focus on how everything unfolds in your favor.
By zooming out of the specifics you’re able to see the grand picture, and find gratitude in the how rather than frustration in it.
Letting go of your plans is a major part of unbecoming.
I believe that growth, true growth, is outgrowing molds you’ve made yourself stay in to play small, to stay safe, to please others, to keep quiet, to dull your own shine. Unbecoming is to delayer, to take off what wasn’t supposed to stay on too long, to strip away the traits and mechanisms that helped you while in survival mode, but now only hinder your progress. To grow is to practice unbecoming. Unbecoming is to let go of what is no longer working or serving you, even if it’s comfortable and familiar.
There is a balance that may not ever be achieved but can absolutely be practiced continuously. Have a plan and give it flexibility. Create visions for your life and be willing to receive the outcome in many other ways. Be determined in your pursuits and know when it’s time to pause for a while. Be willing to let go and be willing to receive, don’t stay stuck in either mode too long. Growth requires acceptance of what is before moving into what will be. Listen to your heart and learn to turn fear into excitement. Recognize when you are playing small so you can let go and learn to fly.
As with all adventures you embark on, it’s important to recommit to yourself on the journey of unbecoming. Be prepared to fall into familiar patterns and behavior traps of the past, and in the same breath be prepared to express loving compassion toward yourself for it. That’s how you practice balance; enjoy the journey rather than rushing toward the destination, while accepting the fact that you never truly arrive. They’ll always be another place, something more, something else, and so really the destination is always the present moment.
Enjoy the moments that find you and allow yourself to feel them.
I cleaned the bathroom today. Which to some probably isn’t as big of an accomplishment as it felt like for me. After putting it off for so long, and coming up with excuses as to why another day would work best, I finally had enough of my own shit. And I’m not even completely done, or at least satisfied with the tub. I just read online about using a broom with liquid dish soap to scrub without hurting your back and knees.
Mama needs all the efficiency she can get.
But as I write this now the sink, toilet, floor, and bathroom have been scrubbed and sanitized. There’s nothing I can’t accomplish with some good music, magnificent dance moves, and a little bong hit. I’ve come to realize it’s more about the mood and intention setting than the actual task itself, half the battle is the attitude you bring to it.
Having it all “together” isn’t necessarily my strong suit but I show up when it’s time to in my own way. Trying to find a balance between personal life and homemaking, while creating offerings for my community, what a trip it’s been. There’s so much I’ve learned and yet an endless amount left to soak in. I’m taking it day by day because before I know it I’ll be looking back on this time with gratitude.
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There is so much wisdom to be absorbed from any type of housework or responsibility. No matter how tedious or challenging the task is, you can find your reflection in it. Like cleaning for example.
Cleansing takes place on the inside as well as the outside to make room for new and fresh opportunities. It always seems to rain when I need it the most. Maybe it won’t make going to ShopRite all that fun, but emotionally I need the rain today.
When nature cleanses herself she cleanses me too. I always feel called to go within, journal, document, dance, listen, and let something go- hence the cleaning. This isn’t by chance it’s by design. I love the rain.
Twerking and scrubbing a toilet, while it sounds hilarious, is also a powerful choice to make and a very intentional one too. While Beyonce’s Homecoming album played in the perfect order she intended it to, I felt in sync with the feelings flowing through each song.
Twerking while cleaning is a decision I willed into my experience. I wasn’t particularly enthused about this responsibility, considering how long I had been putting it off.
So instead of making it the miserable experience I built it up to be, I decided to bring joy into the unpleasantness of it all. Every day there is an opportunity to make a conscious effort toward making the best out of every situation. I chose to twerk.
I’ve decided to take my time in between cleaning to put on a performance in my bathroom or take a moment to just be in my feels. It’s all a part of the cleansing process anyway. After all, I’m not just cleaning the bathroom, I’m being cleansed too, even if I didn’t know it until halfway through Beychella’s performance.
Mother nature always shows up when it’s time to remind me what to do next. When I listen to her I am led to exactly where I need to be, the trouble is I wait too long and things get foggy.
Will I be exhausted at the end of the day? Yes, but I’ll be lighter too. Lighter for taking care of my inner and outer environments, cleansing the old, and preparing room for the new. Springtime Aries energy at its finest.
Check out this 4-minute video on how to notice negative thinking
It’s Friday and it has been more on the productive side. Up at 615 for my mindful morning routine, followed by celery juice and grocery shopping before 8am. Coming home to make pancakes, bake banana bread, and get an hour of writing in before I’m off to babysit my niece and nephew.
At one time in my life, this was an incredibly normal morning for me, running personal errands and making sure Ivan’s got something to eat before running off to slay more duties. But this is not my normal anymore. In fact, I’m blown away that I had the energy and bandwidth to accomplish all those things today when not too long ago I could barely even peel myself out of bed for a shower.
It’s funny how through pictures and quick glimpses it can really look like people live a flawless life, completing tasks with ease and transitioning from wearing one hat to the next without breaking a sweat.
And it’s not necessarily a lie because it’s not like everyone claims their life is so simple. It just becomes an assumption of those looking in on the life you’ve displayed before them. That’s why it’s important that I express to my community that mindfulness doesn’t look like meditating every day and having your life completely together.
Sometimes it looks like your life falling apart and you becoming aware of how you’re responding to it. Sometimes it looks like the seasonal comeback after falling apart, where you’re just happy to be here and take nothing for granted because you remember how shitty it can be.
This week feels like the beginning of a transition into a better version of myself. Like my spirit is finally taking the reins from my ego, although she is kicking and screaming reluctant to let go of the oddly satisfying comfort zone that comes with depression. It’s wonderful to have the capacity to consider the needs of others while also being able to show up in a healthy and well-rounded way.
However, like I said, it’s the beginning of a transition out of bad habits into better ones. There’s a long road ahead and that’s okay.
One bad habit I have is procrastinating to the point of stress, angst, and anxiety to get things done in a timely manner. Food shopping is a great example of the lengths of bullshit I will go through to avoid responsibility.
I will be lazy and justify my procrastination for days until we SERIOUSLY need food. I’ve had rotting bananas inching their way toward the trash because I neglected them when they were bright yellow. I kept buying them hoping that I’d see them and be reminded of the smoothies and fruit bowl breakfasts that are so good for me. But that didn’t happen.
The beauty of the transitional week is slowly being able to start thinking of solutions rather than focusing solely on problems, like baking a banana bread instead of wasting food. I’m still a bit impulsive when it comes to doing whatever I want but I’ve begun to think through the consequences more.
Like making pancakes at 10pm because the munchies told me to, not wanting to clean the griddle so using a single pan, getting lazy halfway through because I can only make one at a time, and wrapping up the leftover batter for breakfast.
In this season I’m so fucking proud of myself for getting out of bed before 10am, having the energy, and putting forth the effort to shower and look good. Caring about my appearance, saying affirmations, and moving my body with intention rather than disgust.
During this season I’m happy there is fruit in my apartment to actually start to spoil, and I’m thankful for the perspective not to see a waste of food but a way to transform it into a sweet dessert. Celebrating the little things reminds me there is a bigger picture and I’m a part of it.
The more responsibilities I juggle the more I come to the realization that there will always be juggling, no matter the season. Sometimes I’ve got all my balls in the air and it’s magnificent to watch. Seamlessly gliding from one hand to the next, in the flow of productivity, creativity, and maybe even joy. Other times it’s like watching a train wreck occur in slow motion as the rails make an obnoxious halting sound.
Both of these versions are who I am, she’s phenomenal and a work in progress at every moment. So instead of trying to achieve this perfect looking life of organization and practicality, I recognize that there will be a season for that, it’s just not this one.
So if you’ve made it this far into my rambles of this week, bless you. Take a moment to remind yourself that “having it all together” is not a thing. It’s a construct we’ve made up in our minds comparing how things are to the way we believe they should be. Stop shoulding all over yourself.
How you are feeling, thinking, and doing, at this moment is your truth. Maybe it’s ugly, maybe it’s enjoyable, but it’s always yours.
Actual footage of the what waking up symptom free after 6 weeks looks like.
After last week’s migraine scare I made an appointment with a medicine man. It’s something I felt called to do since about September, a card reading I did on Youtube prompted it initially. Something about a health scare coming up soon. That’s when I changed my diet, cut back on caffeine and bought the Cleanse To Heal book by medical medium. I told myself to have no expectations about what would come from this appointment, just that I would remain open and listen.
I put my mask on and walked in. He had me stand by the door until he put his on, what a weird fucking world we live in right now. Looking around at the shelves filled with dozens and dozens of herbs, powders, and mixtures that he prescribes, I already felt better. I chose a medicine man because the last doctor had me on migraine pills indefinitely. Fuck that. I respect that for some people that’s the route to take but I’m not one of those people.
After that appointment I decided to look into more traditional ways of healing, in February I took a book out of the library on the 5 Elements of Self-Healing. Soon after the quarantine began and I ended up keeping the book until the summer, taking notes and learning an introduction of some of my ailments.
He looked at my tongue and in less than 3 seconds told me I had been through some serious trauma throughout my life. By the rhythm and heartbeat within he could tell I’m stressed because I don’t take deep breaths. He found a cyst, discovered my liver needs to be cleansed, and that I’ve been having gut and digestive issues.
The brainfog I had attributed to being an airhead was actually an ailment I’d been suffering for years, along with the anxiety and stress I had normalized. Trying to somehow save face for my physical condition I told him about my dietary and lifestyle changes, how I’m moving my body, drinking water, cut out alcohol, meditating. But he said the trauma, anger, fire had been within me too long and began to compromise my organs-hence the continuous migraines even when I’m not eating trigger foods.
He broke down some technical stuff about the body, and how Chinese medicine sees organs as different types of life force with deep purpose. My poor body. She’s been a victim of my thoughts for so many years and is paying a brutal price. This is going to take serious daily commitment and that scares me. I’ll be doing 6 months of herbal medicine and acupuncture with him, that’s not what scares me.
What scares me is changing my mindset, my habits, my choices, because they directly impact my family. Speaking my mind where I’ve been taught to bite my tongue. Live a truth that’s awkward and uncomfortable. Taking space for myself, to begin a life separate from them so that I can rebuild our connection. I’m scared for what this will mean for the business I’ve put on hold to heal. I’m unsure of who I am without these ties I’m tethered to and what the coming undone process will look like. I’m fearful of standing fully in my truth.
I’m excited for what this means for my health and wellbeing. For the kind of wife I can be when I’m fully healthy and the home I can build for us. I’m looking forward to eating the nourishing foods and hydrating tonics that heal the insides before they manifest on the outside. I’m thankful for my mindful practice and for the clarity I’ve already been experiencing since embracing the truth. I can’t wait for the brain fog to go away so I can see the world as it is, without the blinders of my own limits and traumas.
I feel so much right now, but mostly I’m just happy to be writing again. And getting a life.
When you’re ready to have things in your life improve or align, it’s essential that you learn about the energy you put into your world. The energy put into your intention is what gives it the power to make shifts in your life. When you go through the motions of your day on autopilot you are missing out on opportunities to tune in.
Tuning into your experience creates the possibility for you to respond with intention. This doesn’t mean that you have to change up every decision you make, you may very well keep them the same as they’ve always been. What’s important is that you pay attention to what you’re doing, how you’re doing it, and the energy you bring to each task, This makes all the difference when you’re working toward or already have a goal of self-development.
Intentionality is bringing a particular kind of awareness and attention to an experience you are facing. When you set an intention for the day or the week, you are essentially choosing an anchor to ground you when life starts to speed up. In order for you to successfully set and follow through with an intention, it’s important that you gain clarity on how this intention will serve you. Start by becoming aware of the part of your life that you’d like to see improvements in. What needs to be improved about your attitude? How are you struggling in this part of your life?
Setting Intentions
Setting intentions at the beginning of your day is like looking ahead and anticipating how you’ll need to show up. Whatever intention you set will begin to show up in the form of opportunities, challenges, and obstacles in what would normally be seen as everyday things. Bringing intention to your thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and ways of navigating through the world allows you to change the way you see things.
Although you cannot control what’s happening outside you, or what may be thrown in your path each day, you can control the ways in which you respond. By setting an intention before your day begins you have something to anchor into in the moments you experience overwhelm, stress, or anxiety.
Before you decide on which intention to set for the day it’s good to get in tune with what you are in need of most. Life has seasons and each season will invite different levels and types of difficulties. What’s important to remember is that this intention is suitable and appropriate for you to ground into when life gets cloudy. Some seasons call for the same intention until you’re feeling capable of moving on to something else. Other seasons call for you to connect with how you’re feeling each day and work from there.
Without energy, an intention is just another set of words, an empty affirmation without the force to back it up. Bringing energy into your thoughts and words gives life to your experience, and that energy continues to flow. The more powerful the energy is the stronger the intention becomes. The more in tune you are with the energy you bring to your experience, the more intentional each of these experiences becomes. Although you can’t always control outcomes and circumstances, you can control the energy you choose to respond to your inner and outer world.
At the beginning of your day visualize what lies ahead for you. Bring into your mind’s eye the typical challenges of the day-to-day, whether they’re massive or minuscule they’re all opportunities. From beginning to end, run through the people you’ll interact with, the places you’ll visit, and the energy you plan on bringing. It’s important to be realistic when looking ahead into your day, while also grounding yourself into your personal power to respond intentionally.
Become aware of what area in your life you would like to improve. Allow yourself to practice accepting the attitudes, choices, and behaviors in this area of your life. Don’t judge yourself for where you are, just notice the patterns and decisions that got you here. Once you make peace with anything that may be unpleasant about your current experience, start getting curious about what ways could make this experience better for you.
What attitude would help enhance your life?
What attitude would help you gain clarity?
What attitude would align you with your higher self?
Consider the opportunities throughout your day that you could potentially practice applying this intention.
How often will these opportunities come up for you?
To acquire a beginner’s mind is to practice freeing yourself of expectations and assumptions about how life should unfold. Expectations leave little room for infinite possibilities.
Those who practice patience experience less stress increased empathy and are more likely to achieve their goals. By deciding to view every frustration as an opportunity to practice patience, you will start to shift to more open and positive perceptions in life.
Acceptance essentially means to receive the reality that is unfolding before you. Acceptance implies there is resistance present, so the question to ask is what circumstance or reality are you currently resisting?
Our thoughts, beliefs, and ideas become stronger with the attention they are fed, creating an attachment. Practice letting go. There is profound power in practicing awareness of thoughts, each time bringing a sense of neutral observation. Rather than latching onto what arises in the mind observe the thoughts as they pass.
Your beliefs begin as thoughts, therefore a belief is a thought you continuously practice. The reason to acquire a nonjudgmental attitude is to create a fresh perspective in place of familiar beliefs. Notice the labels you place on experiences and the limits they create.
Start prioritizing time to be still. Being is our natural state however it no longer comes naturally anymore due to all of the stimuli we experienced every day. Practice being in-between each task you switch to throughout the day.
Develop an inner trust in your decision-making and in the path unfolding before you. Practice this when you find yourself in doubt or fear of unknown circumstances.
Gratitude is the answer to living a happy life. The best way to practice gratitude is to find the good in what frustrates you and what you view as a problem. Everything is an opportunity to practice patience and growth. If you can begin to shift your perspective to thinking this way you are making progress.
Practice a kind and generous way of thinking, being, and living. The way you treat yourself will reflect on the relationships you form in your life. Bring attention to negative self-talk and practice a more compassionate inner language.
These are the attitudes that make up a mindful mind. By embodying one of these you are slowly adding drops into the bucket of conscious awareness. It’s not intended to be a quick process. Instead, it’s intended to be practiced daily, or weekly, as your life transitions from phase to phase.
The more you anchor yourself into an attitude intentionally, the closer you bring yourself to being at peace with yourself and those around you. As you begin to move into this peace of mind you’ll begin to experience shifts in the ways you perceive your life. May you exist with compassion in your heart, gratitude in your soul, and an open curiosity that fills you with faith and love.
Check out this 5-minute video on How to Set an Intention
mindfullybri.com 