I cleaned the bathroom today. Which to some probably isn’t as big of an accomplishment as it felt like for me. After putting it off for so long, and coming up with excuses as to why another day would work best, I finally had enough of my own shit. And I’m not even completely done, or at least satisfied with the tub. I just read online about using a broom with liquid dish soap to scrub without hurting your back and knees.
Mama needs all the efficiency she can get.
But as I write this now the sink, toilet, floor, and bathroom have been scrubbed and sanitized. There’s nothing I can’t accomplish with some good music, magnificent dance moves, and a little bong hit. I’ve come to realize it’s more about the mood and intention setting than the actual task itself, half the battle is the attitude you bring to it.
Having it all “together” isn’t necessarily my strong suit but I show up when it’s time to in my own way. Trying to find a balance between personal life and homemaking, while creating offerings for my community, what a trip it’s been. There’s so much I’ve learned and yet an endless amount left to soak in. I’m taking it day by day because before I know it I’ll be looking back on this time with gratitude.
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There is so much wisdom to be absorbed from any type of housework or responsibility. No matter how tedious or challenging the task is, you can find your reflection in it. Like cleaning for example.
Cleansing takes place on the inside as well as the outside to make room for new and fresh opportunities. It always seems to rain when I need it the most. Maybe it won’t make going to ShopRite all that fun, but emotionally I need the rain today.
When nature cleanses herself she cleanses me too. I always feel called to go within, journal, document, dance, listen, and let something go- hence the cleaning. This isn’t by chance it’s by design. I love the rain.
Twerking and scrubbing a toilet, while it sounds hilarious, is also a powerful choice to make and a very intentional one too. While Beyonce’s Homecoming album played in the perfect order she intended it to, I felt in sync with the feelings flowing through each song.
Twerking while cleaning is a decision I willed into my experience. I wasn’t particularly enthused about this responsibility, considering how long I had been putting it off.
So instead of making it the miserable experience I built it up to be, I decided to bring joy into the unpleasantness of it all. Every day there is an opportunity to make a conscious effort toward making the best out of every situation. I chose to twerk.
I’ve decided to take my time in between cleaning to put on a performance in my bathroom or take a moment to just be in my feels. It’s all a part of the cleansing process anyway. After all, I’m not just cleaning the bathroom, I’m being cleansed too, even if I didn’t know it until halfway through Beychella’s performance.
Mother nature always shows up when it’s time to remind me what to do next. When I listen to her I am led to exactly where I need to be, the trouble is I wait too long and things get foggy.
Will I be exhausted at the end of the day? Yes, but I’ll be lighter too. Lighter for taking care of my inner and outer environments, cleansing the old, and preparing room for the new. Springtime Aries energy at its finest.
It’s Friday and it has been more on the productive side. Up at 615 for my mindful morning routine, followed by celery juice and grocery shopping before 8am. Coming home to make pancakes, bake banana bread, and get an hour of writing in before I’m off to babysit my niece and nephew.
At one time in my life, this was an incredibly normal morning for me, running personal errands and making sure Ivan’s got something to eat before running off to slay more duties. But this is not my normal anymore. In fact, I’m blown away that I had the energy and bandwidth to accomplish all those things today when not too long ago I could barely even peel myself out of bed for a shower.
It’s funny how through pictures and quick glimpses it can really look like people live a flawless life, completing tasks with ease and transitioning from wearing one hat to the next without breaking a sweat.
And it’s not necessarily a lie because it’s not like everyone claims their life is so simple. It just becomes an assumption of those looking in on the life you’ve displayed before them. That’s why it’s important that I express to my community that mindfulness doesn’t look like meditating every day and having your life completely together.
Sometimes it looks like your life falling apart and you becoming aware of how you’re responding to it. Sometimes it looks like the seasonal comeback after falling apart, where you’re just happy to be here and take nothing for granted because you remember how shitty it can be.
This week feels like the beginning of a transition into a better version of myself. Like my spirit is finally taking the reins from my ego, although she is kicking and screaming reluctant to let go of the oddly satisfying comfort zone that comes with depression. It’s wonderful to have the capacity to consider the needs of others while also being able to show up in a healthy and well-rounded way.
However, like I said, it’s the beginning of a transition out of bad habits into better ones. There’s a long road ahead and that’s okay.
One bad habit I have is procrastinating to the point of stress, angst, and anxiety to get things done in a timely manner. Food shopping is a great example of the lengths of bullshit I will go through to avoid responsibility.
I will be lazy and justify my procrastination for days until we SERIOUSLY need food. I’ve had rotting bananas inching their way toward the trash because I neglected them when they were bright yellow. I kept buying them hoping that I’d see them and be reminded of the smoothies and fruit bowl breakfasts that are so good for me. But that didn’t happen.
The beauty of the transitional week is slowly being able to start thinking of solutions rather than focusing solely on problems, like baking a banana bread instead of wasting food. I’m still a bit impulsive when it comes to doing whatever I want but I’ve begun to think through the consequences more.
Like making pancakes at 10pm because the munchies told me to, not wanting to clean the griddle so using a single pan, getting lazy halfway through because I can only make one at a time, and wrapping up the leftover batter for breakfast.
In this season I’m so fucking proud of myself for getting out of bed before 10am, having the energy, and putting forth the effort to shower and look good. Caring about my appearance, saying affirmations, and moving my body with intention rather than disgust.
During this season I’m happy there is fruit in my apartment to actually start to spoil, and I’m thankful for the perspective not to see a waste of food but a way to transform it into a sweet dessert. Celebrating the little things reminds me there is a bigger picture and I’m a part of it.
The more responsibilities I juggle the more I come to the realization that there will always be juggling, no matter the season. Sometimes I’ve got all my balls in the air and it’s magnificent to watch. Seamlessly gliding from one hand to the next, in the flow of productivity, creativity, and maybe even joy. Other times it’s like watching a train wreck occur in slow motion as the rails make an obnoxious halting sound.
Both of these versions are who I am, she’s phenomenal and a work in progress at every moment. So instead of trying to achieve this perfect looking life of organization and practicality, I recognize that there will be a season for that, it’s just not this one.
So if you’ve made it this far into my rambles of this week, bless you. Take a moment to remind yourself that “having it all together” is not a thing. It’s a construct we’ve made up in our minds comparing how things are to the way we believe they should be. Stop shoulding all over yourself.
How you are feeling, thinking, and doing, at this moment is your truth. Maybe it’s ugly, maybe it’s enjoyable, but it’s always yours.
So learn to love it, flaws and all.