When people meet me or stumble across my teachings they have assumptions of who I am because I am a mindfulness teacher. They see that I lead meditations, or have attended my workshops and believe that I’ve got it all together.
Some people think I am calm and patient all the time.
Some people think meditation comes easy for me.
Some people think I have always been this way.
That’s the one that stops me in my tracks. Because it wasn’t too long ago that I was at my emotional rock bottom looking for the solutions I get to offer people today. When I think back on all of the inner work I’ve done to learn how to love myself, heal my suffering, and make personal growth a priority, it honestly feels like I’ve lived 100 lives already.
And while I am incredibly proud of who I have become as a result of the work I’ve put in, I never want to forget who I was, or where I was, or the crazy shit I used to do. It humbles me and I need that to stay grounded.
But also, I never EVER want someone to believe that I have ALWAYS been mindful, that I have ALWAYS treated myself with compassion, that I have ALWAYS had the answers to pain points like anxiety, stress, emotional regulation, or positive beliefs. Because not too long ago I was so lost and clinging to the belief that I didn’t deserve more than the shitty circumstances I found myself in time and time again.
So in honor of my Inner World program I’d like to share stories and lessons from who I was BEFORE I put the work in. Because my past self is the reason I am who I am today. She suffered alone in the dark for years before ever having the thought that things could possibly be better one day.
And if this is you right now, suffering alone in the dark struggling to believe that you deserve a life of peace, happiness, health, and deep unconditional self-love, then I pray this finds you exactly where you are.
I pray you read these words and KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that you’re meant for more than the pain you carry.
I pray you know that you are worthy of love.
I pray you know that no one’s opinion of you matters more than your own.
And most importantly, I pray you know that you don’t need permission to be better or want differently for your life, you just need to believe it’s possible.
This isn’t an article about how to change your habits, how to think positive, or how to achieve your goals. Instead, I’m choosing to share the stories of who I was before I was able to think positive, believe in myself, or trust that anything could be better than it was. This is who I was before I learned to love myself, before I healed my suffering, before I learned how to grow through what was happening rather than shrinking because of it.
This is me before the inner work.
When I was 17 years old I got caught in a parking lot with a white powdery substance. And that wasn’t even the craziest part of my night.
At the time I was experiencing my very first season of depression, but I didn’t know that nor did I have the words to articulate the pain I was going through. I had a job, I was on the basketball team, I was showing up to all my classes. The bare minimum bar that’s set for a teenager was being met so I couldn’t see the problem. I was maintaining.
It was shortly after my very first heartbreak that I turned to drugs and partying as a means of escaping the pain that wouldn’t go away. Again, this isn’t the language I’d use back then because it was just me having a good time. I had no idea how much and how far I was running from the pain within me.
Blacking out on the weekends became so routine that I had gotten used to hearing stories the next day of the parts of the night I couldn’t recall. But in those stories I was such a good time so I rolled with it.
And if you would have tried to tell me I was depressed I’d surely call you crazy. Because I was going out with my “friends” and having what I’d classify back then as a good time, even if I was sickly thin, had more cigarettes than meals each day, and my heart would be racing nearly every moment of every day. Who cares, you’re only young once right?
Anyway, it was a Friday or Saturday evening which meant I definitely wanted to be knee deep in the strongest distraction possible for as long as possible. So I met up with people who didn’t genuinely care about me so we could connect over the one thing we all had in common, getting numb, I mean having a good time.
The thing about partying hard is you start to pay less and less attention to what’s going on around you, things get sloppy. That’s exactly what we did, we got sloppy enough to get comfortable doing illegal things out in the open and a cop car pulled right up next to ours. I remember this moment like it was yesterday: smoking my cigarette a little slower in the back seat, feeling my heart rate blaring in my ears, wondering if we would really get caught or he’d just drive away. He didn’t.
Within a few moments we were instructed to get out of the car and separate. It was 15 degrees in February and I had a basketball tournament next weekend, I remember thinking my coach is gonna murder me. My parents will be shattered.
But to me the craziest part of all of this is that I couldn’t have been more unfazed.
My purse was searched on the hood of the car while, my “friends” were being patted down, and I was waiting for a female cop to arrive for my pat down. While I stood there shivering, there was a moment where I had a very unique inner experience. Maybe it was an outer body, maybe I was just high, or maybe it was the first glimmer of self-awareness. All I remember thinking is “I should really care more about what’s happening but I really don’t.”
Imagine being a minor who got caught doing drugs outside, who may get arrested, have parents and coaches and teachers informed but just simply not caring.
That was my first realization of how good I had become at numbing myself to the world around me. There was no remorse or regret, I felt no guilt or anxiety about what happened next. In fact I was almost bothered by how my night was interrupted and my fix wasn’t satiated. BIG red flag.
In the end someone took the fall for the entire group and for the time being I was safe, lawfully. And while I didn’t suddenly cut ties with these people and cut out all of my toxic behaviors I couldn’t forget how much I didn’t care. I couldn’t escape the feeling that I should care more about my life, my self, my body, my emotions, and where the fuck I’ll end up if I don’t.
Making better choices didn’t happen overnight, it took a while because before changes happen awareness is a must. And becoming aware of the things you’ve invested ALL of your energy into running away from isn’t easy. It’s arguably the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.
And so slowly, I became aware.
I became aware of the people I partied with, how they made me feel and what we had in common.
I became aware of the habits I’d gravitate toward when things got hard and how easy it was to forget.
I became aware of how I’d feel when the drugs wore off, how I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore.
I became aware of the double life I had been living to keep up appearances while slowly and secretly hating myself on the inside.
The more I noticed what was happening the harder it became to keep it happening. There wasn’t some sudden blissful moment of clarity where I knew the type of person I wanted to be. Instead, for me, it was little moments or awareness building on top of one another to paint a picture of the road I was heading down. The clearer that road became the more I had to face the responsibility of walking that road without the blinders.
And I learned that everything is hard. It’s hard to run away and it’s hard to face what you’re running from. So really it all comes down to which hard you’re willing to choose but before that even happens, you have to accept that all of this is a choice. Whether you’ve been actively choosing or doing so unconsciously, the choice is still yours.
If you’re in a really dark place or running from the hard stuff and running toward the numbing “good time”, take a look around. Open your eyes to what you’re doing, who you’re doing it with, and how it really makes you feel. Start taking into account the long term effects on your mind, body, and spirit if you don’t start paying attention.
Wherever you are in life is a great place to start. You need nothing more or less in order for you to wake up to how things are going. Just look around, take your head out of the sand, stop numbing your way through and give yourself the chance to feel something because you matter.
Please, please start acting like you do.
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