As I write this I’m reminiscing about my homemade baked goods yesterday as I adjust the cheap tablecloth my laptop is sitting on. Right up until our first guest arrived I was baking my first attempt at a 2-layer cake which was a major highlight for me. Although the steps were simple it was the follow-through I was proud of, I have a tendency to get excited when making the fire but sustaining the flames proves difficult.
But there’s something about this place, my new home, that’s proving to be different altogether. And I think I’ve figured out why.
Yesterday I threw a 90s theme 30th with long-time friends at the brand new townhome I moved to at the beginning of the month. Add to that the confidence-boosting haircut I got the day before I moved, you could say I was vibing high.
My home and heart were filled with good vibes the day of the party. From the moment I woke up to the end of the day the energy was funny and loving. My friends got the most intentional and heartfelt gifts I could have received, right down to the wording in each card. At the end of the night, as Ivan and I were cleaning up all the food and saying our goodbyes, I paused to express gratitude for all that I’ve been blessed to receive. That’s when I realized something.
As everyone packed up food and headed to their cars, I realized the party wasn’t the only thing that had ended that night. The anticipation I’ve held for over a year in my heart has officially stopped because I got everything I asked for.
It’s the Sunday before my 30th birthday. As I slowly sip on my orange carrot juice, taking deep breaths of the cool breeze on the balcony, I allow myself to bask in the moments that are my life. Some things are perfect, other things aren’t the best, nonetheless I’m gleaming with gratitude and excitement for this current chapter.
With that said, I have nothing figured out and I think that’s an important piece to share. Lots of times people are grateful what what they already have, or what they know is coming. There is a giant question mark over one of the most important areas of my life, career, where a plan once lived but disintegrated once its false foundation was realized.
It’s all about how you perceive a situation that makes it catostrphic or right on track. If I focus on the plan I’m letting go of, life feels like a failure. So when my thoughts and beliefs are locked into what I wanted to happen, which is also what didn’t happen, I’ll never move forward. However, if I focus on what I’m receiving as a result of letting go of that plan, life feels like a blessing and I’m trusting in whatever lies ahead to be great for me.
I’m choosing blessings, over and over every day.
I know how easy it can be to let doubt creep in, urging the question of where I “should be” by “this particular time and this particular place in space.” I’ll admit it has stolen my attention quite a few times over the winter months. But as time goes on and I turn inward, I rediscover the truth which is I am always exactly where I need to be, even if it’s uncomfortable and unknown most of the time. Sure it’s not what I had planned or sometimes even wanted, but there are divine plans placed upon me that have proven time and time again it will always work out.
My intention for the year is to welcome my 30s with the theme of unbecoming anyone or anything I have space in my identity that isn’t aligned with my highest self. There’s SO MUCH to release and this season may last years because of all the facades accumulated in the past, ones I was once so proud of constructing now only remind me of how scared I was to be myself. As time ticks on the most important matters are always revealed and the act of stifling authenticity will begin to weigh heavy on the heart and soul. I’m continuously dropping dead weight.
I let go so I can leap.
The month of April holds incredibly palpable energy that pumps through me each year. It’s fierce, unfolding, full of wonder, and oftentimes chaos. Maybe it’s because of my birthday or maybe it’s because this is the true new year, springtime. This year is no different the air is brimming with potential, I have to work intentionally to slow myself down to see there’s more than just how I’m feeling right now. With the exception of some minor details in appearance and environment, this feeling is a familiar one I’ve been known to take great leaps from.
Okay so maybe the actual detail changes in my life aren’t minor at all, like getting a bomb-ass haircut and moving into a home with the kitchen of my dreams thanks to the love of my life. These all mean a great deal to me, so understand when I say minor I don’t mean to insult or diminish anything. These are all moments and experiences I’ve slowly cultivated through visualization, patience, and deliberate action.
Its details themselves, the microscopic vision of our lives, that must remain minor. If details are paid too close attention, they could cause you to forget the bigger picture unfolding. An example of details being minor is when you receive what you asked for but it didn’t show up the way you wanted it to. You can choose to either focus on how nothing went according to your plan or you can choose to focus on how everything unfolds in your favor.
By zooming out of the specifics you’re able to see the grand picture, and find gratitude in the how rather than frustration in it.
Letting go of your plans is a major part of unbecoming.
I believe that growth, true growth, is outgrowing molds you’ve made yourself stay in to play small, to stay safe, to please others, to keep quiet, to dull your own shine. Unbecoming is to delayer, to take off what wasn’t supposed to stay on too long, to strip away the traits and mechanisms that helped you while in survival mode, but now only hinder your progress. To grow is to practice unbecoming. Unbecoming is to let go of what is no longer working or serving you, even if it’s comfortable and familiar.
There is a balance that may not ever be achieved but can absolutely be practiced continuously. Have a plan and give it flexibility. Create visions for your life and be willing to receive the outcome in many other ways. Be determined in your pursuits and know when it’s time to pause for a while. Be willing to let go and be willing to receive, don’t stay stuck in either mode too long. Growth requires acceptance of what is before moving into what will be. Listen to your heart and learn to turn fear into excitement. Recognize when you are playing small so you can let go and learn to fly.
As with all adventures you embark on, it’s important to recommit to yourself on the journey of unbecoming. Be prepared to fall into familiar patterns and behavior traps of the past, and in the same breath be prepared to express loving compassion toward yourself for it. That’s how you practice balance; enjoy the journey rather than rushing toward the destination, while accepting the fact that you never truly arrive. They’ll always be another place, something more, something else, and so really the destination is always the present moment.
Enjoy the moments that find you and allow yourself to feel them.
Before you dive deep into this article, ask yourself “How am I feeling right now?” A common answer is “I’m fine” or “Doing alright, and yourself?” because it’s one of those questions asked without the intention of truly checking in with how we’re feeling.
Most people will ask this question to their mind, waiting for a cognitive answer to surface. This answer will be the sum of your thoughts on an experience, but not necessarily how you’re feeling. This is a true testament to just how powerful the mind truly is. Even though it’s not where feelings are experienced, this is where the question is answered.
Another way to check in with how you’re feeling is to ask yourself “what’s going on in my body right now?” Weird right? I bet you wouldn’t think to check in with how your body about how you’re feeling today.
The truth is that’s where the sensation of your feelings are being experienced. But before you understand the body, let’s venture into your mind.
Thoughts
Everything originates from a thought. Your beliefs, ideas, assumptions, and worries all begin in the mind. Therefore what you think you then become. But what if you’re not paying attention to what you think?
Well, your thoughts are creating the life unfolding before you, whether you are aware of that fact or not. Of course, the goal is not to suppress your thoughts or control them, but instead, learn to guide them in the direction that aligns best with your desire.
A good place to start practicing this is detaching yourself from thoughts, seeing yourself as the observer of the experience rather than the experience itself. By understanding the power held behind your thoughts, you’ll begin to appreciate the personal power of the mindbody connection.
Imagine your thoughts as cars speeding down a highway, while you, the observer, sits quietly on a bench watching them pass. Watching for the first time will absolutely be overwhelming. Your natural instinct is to jump in because you identify yourself with the mind and feel the urge to control these thoughts, their speed, and their intensity.
These thoughts surface within you but are separate from who you are because you are not your thoughts. You are the awareness of those thoughts. At first, it may feel extremely difficult to watch the speed and intensity that these thoughts are forming at, you may even feel compelled to attach yourself to one trying to stop it.
These thoughts have always been going at this speed, with this amount of intensity, the only difference is you are just now tuning into that experience. You have the opportunity to become the observer of your experience each time an intense emotion pops up, leaving you with two choices. Either reacting with emotion or responding with awareness.
An emotional reaction to something is a sign that you’ve been consumed by the emotion you are experiencing. That emotion decided to take the reins and decide the next best course of action.
This means if you were observing thoughts of anger you’d follow the urge to attach yourself to that thought, leading you into more anger. When you choose to respond, however, you recognize that emotion is a part of your experience, but you are not that emotion.
In other words, you are feeling anger but you are not anger. If you were observing thoughts of anger you would continue to until it dissipates or transcends to another emotion. To respond to a situation means to first become the awareness behind your experience so that you may decide what to do rather than be led by that emotion.
Practicing mindful awareness of your thought patterns and the ways you choose to handle them is a simple and challenging practice. Simple in its nature of just being with how you’re feeling rather than doing something about it.
Challenging because it’s the opposite of what you’ve trained yourself to do all these years. Each time you observe, detach and respond you are strengthening the mindbody connection by separating yourself from it.
Physical Sensations
Let’s revisit the question “how are you feeling today?” a question exchanged so often from person to person that you can answer on autopilot. The question itself asks you how you’re feeling yet people rarely take the time to check in with what they’re feeling.
Instead, they are likely to rely on what their mind tells them about how they’re feeling. Now that there is a separation from you and the mind, and you understand the difference between reaction and response, it’s time to move onto emotions in the body.
Emotions appear in the body as physical sensations, arousals, or reactions to what’s going on in the mind. These emotions show up differently and in many different forms, but the sensations are quite similar. Heart palpitations, dry mouth, tight chest, tingling sensations, and clenching just to name a few.
For instance, if you were to have a negative thought pop up you’d likely be fixated on the narrative in your mind and forgetting about the body you’re in. When you finally bring your awareness back to your body all of the sensations will overwhelmingly hit you at once. When you take the time to sit with each physical sensation as it arises you are awakening to how your body experiences your emotions.
This simple practice helps you gain clarity on your emotions, how you’re feeling, and the power of their presence. Without practicing awareness of how your mind and body are connected you may miss opportunities to get ahead of your emotion and you end up allowing them to dictate your day.
Identifying The Connection
Practicing mindful awareness with your thoughts and physical sensations takes patience and consistent practice. As you begin to identify the connection between your mind and body, you’ll also begin to identify who you truly are.
Because you are not the mind that creates the thoughts, nor are you the thoughts that you think. Just like you are not the body you have and the sensations you experience. The mind and body will always be a part of who you are, but it is not who you are.
Each time you choose to become the awareness behind your experience you create more space between what is happening and your response to what is happening.
MindBody Practice
Identifying the connection and separating yourself from the experience are both simple practices that can be very challenging. A great place to begin cultivating this practice is by identifying your dialogue separately from your bodily experience.
This is best practiced when an emotion is present but not too overwhelming, this will be the practice for the overwhelming moments. An emotion we are all familiar with is feeling anger, so let’s use anger as an example.
With most intense emotional states you will likely find yourself tangled up in the dialogue going on in your mind, so let’s begin by bringing attention into the body. Notice the sensations you are feeling in response to anger and where these sensations are showing up.
Once you’ve tuned your focus on the body use the tool of a deep inhale and a long exhale to relax into the moment. Repeat as many breath cycles as you need to before finding a sense of inner calm, even alongside your anger.
Now that you’ve brought down the intensity and separated yourself from the experience, turn your attention toward the mental chatter. If this too feels intense for you come back to the breath as your guiding tool of relaxation.
A helpful tip is to place your right hand on your belly as you witness the rise and fall of your breath. This can act as a tangible representation that there are constant fluctuations happening within you, the rise and fall of the belly, the ever-changing sensations in your body, the rapid moving thoughts in your mind.
Once you’ve invited an inner calm into the dialogue of your mind, you can begin asking yourself proactive questions. Rather than focusing on what you don’t want to feel, turn the focus toward how you would like to feel.
Start by asking these questions:
What am I thinking right now?
How am I feeling right now?
How is it appearing in my body?
Am I holding my breath or breathing deep?
How can I accept what has already happened?
What action can I take to create change?
What is the next best step for me to take?
How will this action bring me closer to how I want to feel?
Be patient with yourself as you ask questions with unpleasant answers and bring a genuine curiosity to this moment. This practice may seem simple, and possibly uncomfortable, but it is a very important step toward a happier and more aware version of self. The beauty of this practice is that it is always growing with you.
Be gentle as you begin to discover parts of yourself for the first time, show the compassion you would a friend going through a lifestyle change. Practicing mindful awareness is portable and the right time is always NOW.
Remember all change starts with becoming aware and they all begin with you.
There is a constant swirl of mixed emotions surfacing in all of us. For some, there are incredibly drastic transitions occurring. Changes in their work schedule, the amount of pay if any, the responsibility of payments weighing heavy, concerns of educating their children while trying to maintain their own sanity. Other people may be focused more on the virus that has struck globally, concerned bout flights back home, elderly loved ones receiving proper care, trying to keep their immune system functioning optimally, making trips to the grocery store only to find what they need is out of stock. Then there are people who are struggling with the transition of being busy to being alone with their thoughts, no longer making plans with friends and trying to find an outlet to distract themselves from all of the emotions that are forcing themself to the top. There is also the possibility that all of these things are being experienced by one person, a nasty cocktail of overwhelm, scarcity, and fear.
There is no doubt that this pandemic is to be taken seriously, it’s important that people are preparing their homes with the essentials to keep them healthy and safe. However, one thing that continues to be overlooked is how all of this is affecting your wellbeing. Health is not limited to the physical responsibilities of washing hands, disinfecting surfaces, eating healthier, and maintaining a safe distance from crowds. What also falls under the category of health and wellness is mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. I’ve created aworkshop to help you navigatethrough these troublesome times.
Mental wellbeing
The wellbeing of your mind has a great deal to do with what it is you’re consuming on a daily basis. If you’re constantly watching the news, refreshing your social feed, surrounding yourself with people who are only sharing negative stories, you are aiding to a negative and low vibrational mental state. This way of thinking will begin to create deeply rooted beliefs about what is and what is not possible for you. As a result, you’ll begin to see a limited world where you lack control of everything, rendering you a victim to what happens to you.
This virus has absolutely taught the world there is an incredible amount of circumstance that will always be out of an individual’s control. However, what you always have control over is your perspective and the way in which you CHOOSE to respond to something. For instance, there is no changing the bad news of the world today, there are unfortunate things happening to people all over the world. What does not help is constantly reminding yourself of all the bad things being experienced, sharing more heartbreaking news than groundbreaking, bonding with people over what is wrong with the world rather than what is right with it. The mind needs you to set boundaries for what it consumes because what you consume shapes the person you become. It’s important to remain informed but not overwhelmed, prepared but not paralyzed with fear, connected with others but not through the energy exchange of worry and stress.
Your brain is an incredible tool that is constantly working to serve you, just as long as you know how to navigate it. A perfect example of this is if you ask yourself (your brain) a question it will search for the best answer or solution possible-based on the quality of your questions. Therefore, it’s important that you’re asking yourself proactive questions that are bringing you closer to a calm state and peace of mind. Instead of asking with a tone of fear, self-doubt, overwhelm “what can I do about what’s happening?”, try asking with the intention to create change in YOUR life, right now. What you can do is turn off the news and connect with the people around you, Skype with friends, step into your yard for some fresh air, read a book about self-improvement. Start creating healthy boundaries of what you allow your brain to think about, that’s how you prepare a mind for changes.
Emotional wellbeing
Honor the feelings that are surfacing for you at this time. If you’re feeling sad for the people around the world dealing with the loss of family, connection, and access to income-then feel it. If you’re feeling scared because you of YOUR loss of structure, connection, and access to income-then feel that too. The emotions that each of us experience are being triggered by an event. They may feel too intense, overwhelming, and maybe burdensome, but they deserve your attention more than the news or social media. Because each of these emotions is a gateway to get to know yourself on a deeper level. You are meant to feel all emotions, even if they aren’t pleasant or coming at a convenient time. Don’t shut out what you’re going through because it’s too hard to face, because the longer you push away the feelings the more challenging they become to face. An introspective perspective is a powerful tool that will help you navigate the brand new difficulties you’re facing. Instead of distracting yourself with substances, the latest news, food, video games, or any other stimuli, stop to ask “why am I running away from this?, how can facing my feelings help me heal?”
Sometimes it’s not about taking action but rather just being with what you’re experiencing. If you experience judgment arising about your feelings examine it. Try understanding why you’re not letting yourself feel authentically and what you can do to work through that belief. Get to know the activities that elevate your mood, help you relax, bring you peace, or make you feel a sense of safety. Learn the difference between when you need to feel connected to other people who understand what you’re going through and when it’s time to be alone with your thoughts.
Each of us is experiencing a unique awakening that is bringing to light our greatest feels and that which we are most grateful for. There is bound to be a mix of emotions, strategies to handle them, and community to share in this time of change. Express a little more self-compassion by tuning into what it is you need most. Whether it’s a really good cry, a self-soothing journal session, or a phone call with a friend, it’s just as important as stocking up your pantry. Take care of your emotions seriously, they’re here to help you.
Spiritual wellbeing
Your soul is the vessel in which Spirit/God/Universe/All-That-Is is communicating with you. In order for you to hear the messages meant for you, it’s your job to turn the noise down in your life. An important part of spiritual practice is removing the layers of junk that are not serving your highest good. Lot of these examples were mention in mental and emotional wellbeing such as distracting yourself with coping mechanisms to hide what it is you’re really feeling A great way to expand your connection with the source of life force is by strengthening your intuition and slowing down the chatter of the mind.
There are many different forms of meditation, but the one I am suggesting is Vipassana. The goal of Vipassana meditation is to become aware of the present moment. This means bringing yourself out of the thinking mind which is either meandering in the past or trying to create the future. Both of these places take you away from the only focus that really matters, this moment. The present moment is all that ever matters because it is the only moment that truly exists. Therefore, at this moment lies your control over how you can respond to life unfolding. Instead of worrying about what you have lost already, or stressing about what may never happen, you can rest your attention into what is right now.
Vipassana meditation is best when you wear loose-fitting close, make sure your waistband isn’t too tight and that you’re dressing appropriately for the temperature where ever you are. If you’ve never meditated before or practiced focusing your attention on anything for more than 10 minutes, I suggest starting in a chair preferrably without arms on the side. Rest the arms on your lap with palms facing down, keeping your back straight without being rigid, placing your feet firmly on the ground. One last and very important piece, bring an intention to your seat with you. A common one I like to use is to be patient with myself and with others because your thoughts are bound to take you away from the moment and into what is bothering you. Another one is to be kind to yourself and others. The intention you choose is not as important as the fact that you choose one. You’ll need something to anchor you back to the reason you sat down in the first place. This practice, done daily, will help increase your awareness and the level of calm in your life.
Let’s Review
Life will always be unpredictable, filled with circumstances and events out of your control. The way to navigate through tough times is by focusing on all that you can control. This pandemic has opened the eyes of the world to what truly matters, what never did, and how fragile life can be. It is not enough to prepare your pantry and refrigerator with foods that will give you a strong and healthy immune system. If you’re worrying, living in a fearful state, and not taking care of your soul’s needs, you’ll continue to lower your vibration every day.
Set boundaries for your mental health, create space to allow your emotions to surface, and cultivate a practice of awareness into your daily routine. Even after the chaos of the world begins to settle, and life proceeds to merge into a new normal, these 3 ways of improving your health will still be just as significant. Don’t ignore the relationship you have with yourself because it’s uncomfortable to face. Start by bringing your attention to the parts of you that need it the most. Be gentle as you adopt these practices into your daily routine and be kind to the person you are becoming. Life does not get easier, but you do get better, as long as you keep going consciously.
When a person is thinking with their emotional mind rather than their logical mind they are essentially under the influence. They have been tricked into believing that their emotions are in control instead of themselves. Or may not be able to tell the difference between emotions and themselves, identifying with each by reciting the phrase I am.
Negative emotions almost feel amplified and more powerful than logic or any type of reasoning. Sadness, for example, can grow into a debilitating physical emotion if left unattended. The body feels heavier and a person’s perception of the world becomes dim. The more we feed into this way of thinking the deeper we get sucked into the realm of negativity. The struggle with emotions is that our thoughts are their fuel. If we do not have control over our thoughts our emotions will continue to stampede through our lives, relationships and our overall wellbeing.
Unless we are conscious of what we are feeling and when it begins to arise it is easy to get stuck in this way of thinking.
Responding to something takes mental strength, effort and mindfulness.
Mental Strength
The mental strength of holding onto the original thought, phrase or event with the potential to send one spiraling into a predetermined reaction. Picture a set of brain muscles holding on for dear life to a pole in a storm. That pole is the reason your emotions began to arise in the first place. The storm is the thoughts and scenarios that follow the initial thought. They will bombard you, tempt you, upset you and make you consider letting go of the pole and holding on to them instead. The thought storm, has been groomed over the years to be powerful instantly leading you to believe you are weak against it. However, your mental strength uses the tool of patience to weather any storm and patience will always outlast anguish.
Effort
Effort is the second step to responding rather than reacting. Effort is a form of determination, meaning it must be constant and not only be present when the thought storm isn’t as harsh. It must persevere and always continue moving forward, even if at a slow paced speed. Some storms you will have to face multiple times and each time you will grow in mental strength and effort. These may become easier in time to overcome but there will continue to be obstacles and strong storms waiting to test you. Effort comes in right after mental strength and plays a bit of a bigger role. It’s the constant reminder to come back to this way of coping with emotions. It’s the determination to stay with the discomfort face it head on every time. Effort is coming back to something you know may not be a pleasant experience but doing it time and time again knowing it will make you a stronger person mentally.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the third step in responding rather than reacting and you will constantly be using all three, at different and sometimes the same times. Although the concept of these three steps is a simple one it does not mean it will be easy. Mindfulness is observing this moment without passing judgment or wishing it were different. This does not mean you will be at peace with it instantly. It does mean, however, you are no longer trying to change what has already happened or wishing for a better outcome. You will be deciding to leave unnecessary mental anguish and suffering behind you for this new way of coping.
You have the choice to respond to the emotions that arise within you. What makes you believe you aren’t in control is the power behind your thinking habits. It takes an incredible amount of mental strength to believe in your ability to change, and an unending amount of effort to never give up and multiple doses of mindfulness to stay present with how you’re coping with emotions. When you choose to pause our regularly scheduled rumination, thinking or behavior pattern you interrupt autopilot. Allowing you to tune into what the mind and body are up to and become present with what is happening.
So pause, take a deep breath, and remember you’re in control.
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